A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone.

Somebody give me a banana. I'm playing like a monkey, so I might as well eat like one.

I have 13 dependents. All of them have 140 IQ or better, except me. I'm under 100 IQ, and I support them all.

When you're having trouble and topping the ball, it means the ground is moving on you.

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.