When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.

I'm getting so old, I don't even buy green bananas anymore.

I am a millionaire today and my wife deserves all of the credit. Before I met her I was a multi-millionaire.

I was on the dance floor but I couldn't hear the band.

They claim red meat is bad for you. But I never saw a sick-looking tiger.

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

The sweetest two words are 'next time.' The sourest word is 'if.'