When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.

I have 13 dependents. All of them have 140 IQ or better, except me. I'm under 100 IQ, and I support them all.

Putting isn't golf, greens should be treated almost the same as water hazards: you land on them, then add two strokes to your score.

Somebody give me a banana. I'm playing like a monkey, so I might as well eat like one.

A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone.

When Lee and Jack win, it is good for golf. When I win, it is better.

Remember you have to be comfortable. Golf is not a life or death situation. It's just a game and should be treated as such. Stay loose.