When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.

The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.

Don't look for excuses to lose. Look for excuses to win.

Then Lee Trevino and Jack Nicklaus come in. I'll caddie for Jack.

When Lee and Jack win, it is good for golf. When I win, it is better.

Somebody give me a banana. I'm playing like a monkey, so I might as well eat like one.

I have 13 dependents. All of them have 140 IQ or better, except me. I'm under 100 IQ, and I support them all.