A black Christian is like a black person with no memory.

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.

You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.

Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.