Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

People say, 'Why is he bored with her?' Because he's a human being, that's why; same way his wife is bored with him. That is marriage - anything that's supposed to be forever, your going to get bored with it. And there is nothing wrong with it, so don't take it personal; if you are with somebody for ten years and they are not bored with you? Then something is wrong with them.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be N2. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crack head, you better be a crack head ... Otherwise it just won't work.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.