Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be N2. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crack head, you better be a crack head ... Otherwise it just won't work.

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go What did I say?! I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go Eww, that was mean.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

When people try to read between the lines - critics, they have a job. Their job is to make something bigger than it is.