I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

I pray there's a God...I know there's an Oprah.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.