Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.

Only black people in the whole neighborhood, so let's break it down: Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm a'ight. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He's a f*****g dentist.

I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I'd like to be great. I want to reach for greatness.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

Emotional affairs, those are the only real affairs; those are the real ones.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.