My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.

Kids raised on a culture of “We’re not going to keep score in the game because we don’t want anybody to lose.” Or just ignoring race to a fault. You can’t say “the black kid over there.” No, it’s “the guy with the red shoes.” You can’t even be offensive on your way to being inoffensive.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property.

Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?