I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, so if I couldn't tell jokes this is exactly what I'd be doing.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

If you're the president you only have two jobs: peace and money.

Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.

I live way below my means.

The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.

I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I'd like to be great. I want to reach for greatness.