I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

I never had the confidence to say I was going to be in front of the camera as a comedian until I saw Eddie Murphy years later.

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.

The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.

See... Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!

Being a comedian is a lot like being an athlete. If you're Carl Lewis and you're the fastest, then no matter what you're the fastest.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.