A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.