The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, Duh, where are all the famous people?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

When you become a comedian a lot of stuff that made you laugh before just stops. You stop watching your old cartoons you used to watch. You stop reading the funnies. It's like working at a strip club. You don't come home and turn on the Playboy Channel.

Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!

You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property.