The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.

For me, anything goes when I pick up a mike. I'm not trying to hurt people - I try not to get too personal - but I look at myself as a reporter. If you can report on anything that has to do with pop culture, then why can't I make jokes about it? Yes, it hurts. But I figure that laughter sometimes starts from pain. You might wince, but then I know that I'm doing my job. The only thing I can do wrong is not be funny.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing - than being with your children.

I am just here to support the President of the United States. President of the United States is our boss, but he is also... you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen, and when you don't it will usually bite you on the ass later on. So, I'm here to support the President.

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?