I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful.

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.