I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?"

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.