You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager... Boy, was I wrong!

The thing about Barack Obama, just from being around him, is he's cooler than the other politicians, but just nerdy enough to do the job. Like you can't be really cool and be the president.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

Learn how to cook. Read books that will educate you. Get an education. Get a career. And support yourself. And live in a section of town that isn't conducive to violence.

When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing - than being with your children.

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.