If you’re a black Christian, you have a real short memory.

If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets.

When you're doing a big-budget movie and you're four on the call sheet, you've got a lot of free time.

Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.