You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.

Oprah is rich; Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out of a window and slit his throat on the way down saying, 'I can't even put gas in my plane!'

I met so many people after I got rich and famous, and I learned that you can't ultimately trust people unless they were your friends when you were broke.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.

People say, 'Why is he bored with her?' Because he's a human being, that's why; same way his wife is bored with him. That is marriage - anything that's supposed to be forever, your going to get bored with it. And there is nothing wrong with it, so don't take it personal; if you are with somebody for ten years and they are not bored with you? Then something is wrong with them.