You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

All people naturally hate. My kid bites people now. I didn't teach my kid to bite anybody. Kids say mean stuff. Only through love do we get this evil out of them. Only through love and structure and discipline do they not hate. The kids that hate didn't learn anything, that's the problem.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

My goals were small. My goal was to become a big enough stand-up that I wouldn't have to do radio. I could sell out a club, which is like 300 seats. If I got big enough, I could sell before I got there, and I wouldn't have to get up at 6 in the morning to do radio. That was pretty much the dream. I had no idea I'd be playing Madison Square Garden or anything.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny.