You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, 'Hey, man, women are crazy,' you've got a friend.

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.

Hollywood's just not funny.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.