I don't need a president with a bucket list!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.