I don't need a president with a bucket list!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.

There are a lot of good comics, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics - there are black comics that work only black crowds, gay comics that do only gay crowds, and southern comics that only work down South, and so on with Asian, Latino, Indian, midgets, etc. The previous generation's comics were better because they had to make everybody laugh.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!