Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.

Hi. There was a big accident, some people got decapitated, here are their names... You know what? That shirt really makes you look fat. I mean, the colour's all wrong... I mean, who shot the drapes?

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!

I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.