I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.

I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.

When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!