My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.

Every song a hit, every hit a smack!

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.