When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other.

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!

I never read the tabloids.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

I don't find biology as interesting as politics and humanism. I talk more about existential stuff.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.