The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.