The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?