The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.