The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.