It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.