Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.