One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.