One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.