One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.