Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.