The average permanent lasts about four months.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.