The average permanent lasts about four months.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.