One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.