One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.