Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.