Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.