I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.