I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.