I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.