I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.