I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.