I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?