I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.