I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.