We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.