We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.