We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.