I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.