If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.