If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.