I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.