I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.