I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!