Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.