Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.