Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.