Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?