What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.