What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.