Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.