Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.