Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.