Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!