If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.