Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.