Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.