My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.