My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.