The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.