The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.