The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?