What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.