What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.