What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.