What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.