Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.