Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.