Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.