Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.