Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right