Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.