Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.