Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.