Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.