Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.