There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.