There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.