When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
The average permanent lasts about four months.