Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.